Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I Tried To Help

You cannot help a person who is intent on hurting themselves in one way or another. Over the weeks since I had stopped posting here I tried to take the negative I was expelling here and turn it all into positives helping my big sister. 

Currently 40 years old, HIV +, 83 pounds soaking wet and losing weight daily, and on the heels of a debilitating stroke, I thought it was the right thing to do. No. I knew it was the right thing to do. I knew I had to do it. I knew I had to help her. It was just in my nature despite the years of manipulation.

I thought I had gotten to the point where she could pull no more punches with me. She wouldn't get over on me. But in her addict ways she did.

After being hospitalized for nearly a month not able to check herself out like she so desperately wanted to over and over again, she got out. And I unknowingly helped her.  The promise was I would bring her home for a couple hours and help her wash up before she would go to another hospital in the area with better care. I had seen her left in her own urine as well as vomit in the facility she was at.  Not surprising to be because of the reputation there.

She cried on the phone as she signed herself out against medical advice and had no one to pick her up. She has burnt all her bridges. The men who adored her gone, the family members who supported her gone, her own children gone.  I had my husband help me as I could not carry her.

In the midst of it all, her 14 year old first born baby came to see her, and help us carry our plan out. A shower, a little relaxation and off to the better hospital. 

As soon as my husband left, and it was only her and her son the truth came spewing out like venom. She lied. She lied to everyone. She wasn't going to the other hospital, she wasn't listening to anyone, fuck everyone!   She told her child, her own baby that she was going to shit on his grave because he wouldn't stay there in the house and wait on her like no teen should be doing.

She spouted off profanities and hung the phone up on me a number of times.

I am spent. Finished. Emotionally overdone.

I cannot do it anymore as her tirades impact me like none other. They bother me to the core that it impacts my well being, and my ability to mother my own children.

She is alone. Unable to walk. Barely able to talk. No one to feed her, and unable to feed herself. And this is what she wanted.

I want nothing more than to scream in her face and slap the shit out of her. My caring and love has turn into hatred and resentment.

What happens to her from here on out... is not my problem

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